The past two weeks have been a bit of a fuzzy blur.
Settling pretty heavily into my ‘no work’ life, I’ve almost given into the guilt of not working and, as a result, done absolutely nothing.
Or at least, that’s how it feels.
Week two was largely spent cuddling the newest member of our little family, Eddie, while also watching a tonne of YouTube videos, laying in bed and getting upset about past events all over again.
The two long stretches of dull days were nicely broken up with a film night Friday (consisting of 0 films and more kitten) and a brief weekend in Scotland with my dad, splurging his cash on a brand new Tommy Hilfiger dress for my collection.
Current collection items total: 1
My third week I guess was pretty busy in actuality. I met up with three friends, had two interviews, a job offer and had both sets of parents round to see Eddie. (You can see a theme here…)
That being said, there have been bursts of motivation in which I’ve started using an app called Mindly, where I’ve been mind-mapping everything I fancy doing or need to do.
And yet, I’m still hitting my ‘I can’t do it’ wall.
The concept of being able to do something, and do it well seems to be passing me by. It’s not that I don’t want to do it, it’s that I want the finished product and feel like I don’t have the time to put in the effort I need. When all I actually have at the moment is time?
My brain is so busy with ideas, but my time is so lacking the activities matched with them, that I feel way busier than I actually am: I haven’t spent four hours creating content for my blog or Instagram or YouTube, I’ve spent four hours sitting and thinking about it while getting jealous of all the people who are already doing it, or panicking about how I will never be a success.
So I guess you could say, week 2&3 have been full circle. Constantly battling my self doubt and depression with bursts of motivation and passion. Passion isn’t really winning though.
At the moment I have a lot of ideas for a YouTube channel, on which I could do a lot more visual things that I would then transcribe onto my blog. But I feel like I need months of content ideas before I start a new project; to give myself the lee-way I need to be able to create something consistently when my pre-planned content has run out – to compensate for these distinctive lulls of ability and motivation that haunt me from week to week.
So everything is kind of in mid air at the moment. I want to be a success but my head is so full of tangents that I’m making not progress. So I’m mind mapping, exploring, getting ideas, and waiting till my brain is ready to pounce into action.
Over and out.